


i love you never felt like any blessing

by bellairestrella



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-23
Updated: 2010-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:08:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24415657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellairestrella/pseuds/bellairestrella
Summary: Once upon a time, Bella Swan wanted to be a vampire.
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan (past), Jacob Black/Bella Swan
Kudos: 15





	i love you never felt like any blessing

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from Florence and the Machine's amazing song "Heavy in Your Arms." Oh, and baby Charlotte's mine. Don't steal her.

Once upon a time, Bella Swan wanted to be a vampire. 

She longed for eternal beauty. Immortality. The feeling of being able to shine with the talents her transformation would give her. The knowledge that she would no longer be average – she would be something _more_ , so much better than plain, awkward, quiet Bella Swan. 

Instead of dying and giving up her human life forever, she liked to think of her future as a vampire as a gift – it was meant to be cherished. Her death wouldn't signal the end of her existence at all – it would be a symbol of her rebirth. She would literally transform from an ugly, clumsy, weak duckling to a beautiful, graceful, powerful swan. Bella wanted that. More than anything else she wanted, _needed_ that feeling of _finally_ belonging somewhere, of finally being truly happy and worthy. And she knew that becoming a vampire would be the final step in giving her life a new and beautiful meaning. 

Yeah. She had _thought_. Real life had turned out differently. Much, much differently.

* * *

Bella's life had changed the instant her eyes met Edward Cullen's. There was no denying that. She found herself incapable of thinking, of breathing _nothing_ except him. Without him everything else – her happiness, her hobbies, her sense of self – was meaningless. 

When Edward left, Bella realized that she no longer knew who Bella Swan really was. Now she found herself lost, someone entirely alien and hollow, unable to function at all. That would change once she met Jacob Black. 

And Bella's life would never, ever be the same (and she was thankful for that).

* * *

Moving on wasn't easy, and the healing process was even worse. There were days when Bella wanted to curl up into a ball and never leave her room, letting the soothing music of Debussy fill her ears until she knew no other sound. There also were days when she felt like screaming and never stopping – of letting go of all the anger, pain and yearning she held in her heart and feeling it all dissipate. And then there were days when Bella wanted to stop _existing_ and simply disappear, fade away into nothingness. And she would have done it without hesitation, except one thing – one person – always held her back. Every time. 

Bella couldn't even begin to explain the effect Jacob Black had on her. It wasn't just his wide grin, brimming with so much sweetness and joy, or his loud, vibrant laugh, that warmed her to her bones and kept her anchored to the ground. It wasn't just the fact that he taught her to smile, to laugh, to _live_ when she thought she never would again. It was something more – something she was terrified to name. 

It only got worse after she and Edward reunited and Jacob was soon forgotten. She managed to fool herself into thinking, _believing_ that she was back where she belonged – in Edward's embrace (when every part of her silently craved for another pair of arms). And for a while it was amazing. She fell asleep to the rich tones of Edward's voice and woke up to the sight of a love note on her pillow. The visits to the meadow were spent holding each other, lost in their own private world. Whenever she saw the image of them together in a mirror or window, she thought it looked beyond perfect. 

And therein lay the problem. Things were so perfect, it was unsettling. She couldn't shake off the feeling that there was something missing, something off balance, so incredibly _wrong_ about their whole relationship. Little things slowly began to bother her to the point that Bella could no longer ignore them (although the last thing she wanted to do was confront them). Instead of being enchanting and incredible Edward's kisses started to feel stifling, almost unbearable. She began to long for the sound of Jacob's laughter (so rich and vivid) and the _connection_ they shared. When she looked at the ring on her finger the expected feeling of overwhelming giddiness didn't wash over her – she only felt dread. And when she was at the Cullens' house she longed to hear the rumbling sounds of the ocean, to taste the salty, cool air and above all see the wolf pack ( _her second family_ , but she didn't say the words aloud) and regain that sense of _belonging_ she had once. 

She tried so hard, _so hard_ , to make it work with Edward – they both did. In the end they both knew what they had before was now gone, and couldn't be recaptured. And somehow, Bella was fine with it. 

"We're both different people now," she told him one day while they were in the meadow. "You and I have changed – _I_ have changed. And what I used to feel, I can't feel anymore – I've tried, Edward," her voice caught on the last word. "Believe me, I've tried. I just – I can't."

Edward sighed wistfully. "It's okay, Bella. I had a feeling that it was inevitable. Never thought that I would lose to a werewolf, though." He chuckled softly.

She only shrugged but didn't say anything. 

"Just do one thing for me, Bella." Edward said after a few moments. "Be happy. And live the best life you'll ever have." His eyes meet hers. "That's all I could ever ask for."

Bella smiled sadly and nodded.

* * *

The sound of Charlotte's crying pulls Bella away from her thoughts and she runs over to the swing to see what's bothering her three month old daughter. "Hey there, Char. What's wrong?" She picks up the baby, whose crying has now stopped, and holds her close, rocking her up and down. "You don't cry just for anything missy. C'mon, tell me." Charlotte only looks at her with wide eyes and a pursed mouth. "Okay, fine. That's how you wanna play, huh?" Bella gently pokes Charlotte in the belly and watches with a fond expression on her face as her daughter squirms around in her arms. She takes a moment to admire her baby's beautiful russet skin, her bright brown eyes and soft wisps of dark hair – _she looks so much like Jake it's not even funny_ , she thinks. She's interrupted from her thoughts once again by a voice – this one brings an automatic smile to her face. 

"What are you doing to our daughter, Bells?" The owner of the warm, husky voice wraps his arms around her midsection and draws her closer to him. 

"I wasn't doing anything to her, you dork," Bella says, laughing. "Char just likes to confuse me with her crying, that's all."

"Oh, we can't have that." Jacob smirks and easily dodges the whack on the arm Bella gives him. "Ow, that hurt." 

"Sure it did," Bella grins at him. "The only thing I hurt there was your pride. Because you know my punch is deadly." She laughs harder when Jacob gapes at her in shock.

"Touché, Bells. Touché." He chuckles and picks up Charlotte from Bella's arms. "Hey Chacha. Giving your mama trouble again, huh? I approve." His grin only widens upon seeing Bella's half-hearted glare. "I mean, no! Bad, bad, bad Char. You know better than to do that. You're a good girl, aren't you?" He nuzzles the baby's hair and kisses her softly on the forehead. 

Bella shakes her head amusedly and takes in the scene before her. "Stop encouraging her, Jake. She already takes after you anyway."

"Aw, but I _like_ encouraging her, Bells. And she does too. Don't you, Chacha?" In answer Charlotte wiggles and puts her hand in her mouth, only for Jacob to gently pull it away and press his mouth to it. Upon seeing this Bella almost stops breathing. It's so loving, so _reverent_. 

"I think I'll take that as a yes." Jacob's grin softens when he sees the contemplative look on Bella's face. "Hey, you." That gets her attention. "You okay?" He asks cautiously. 

Bella gives him a quiet smile, the smile Jacob fell in love with. "Never been better."

* * *

Once upon a time, Bella Swan had wanted to be a vampire. She'd craved for the feeling of belonging somewhere, of being reborn into someone gorgeous, charming and powerful, of being better than the plain Jane she used to be. A long time ago, she had _needed_ that.

Now is a different story. Now Bella doesn't want to be anything but human, to be anyone but herself. Being a vampire might have been nice once. The _thought_ of it had been nice. In reality Bella knew it would be agonizing. She would have walked upon the earth, bloodthirsty and angry and hollow and _dead_ , serving eternal punishment for a crime that would never be repaid. And she would spend her days and nights admiring those who could walk and breathe freely, like she had done before she was turned. It would have been a hellish existence beyond her worst nightmares. 

She's thankful that in a way, she's been given a second life – another chance to learn, to laugh, to love again. She was reborn, becoming someone who's truly happy and with a life of her own. Her existence has been given a new and beautiful meaning by her choice to live again.

And Bella wouldn't have it any other way.


End file.
